By Dina Aldabbagh

First of all let’s redefine what class is. Many people think it’s defined as how much money you have or what the brands are of what you own, but in my personal opinion, class is found in how you conduct yourself — particularly in how you treat people. Your level of quality as a person is evaluated by how good you are, not by how good the things you have are. 

How you conduct yourself, independent of those around you or your circumstances, is what defines your class. You could be dirt poor, but if you conduct yourself with grace, you have class. You will still be classier than a person who has tons of money, yet acts unkindly, insensitively, and harshly. Brutality is the greatest reveal of weakness, while gentleness is the most honest show of strength. Your class is defined, in my eyes, by how good you can be despite the uncontrollables. To be gentle in the face of coldness says something. It says: “I am self-disciplined enough to not allow these circumstances to change my character.” That self-discipline in your character — aka integrity — that is what sets you apart, and closer to God.

There are many people who believe they must respond to others. “If they act like this, I must act like this.” They allow the behavior of others to direct their own self-conduct. “If they are mean to me, I will be brutal back — because then they will know I was strong, and never to be messed with in the first place.” How sad is that? A good person in your heart you may be, but consequent to others’ own problems and the manifestation of them as a lower standard of behavior, you allow them to change who you show up in the world as. Hear me: you allow others to make you worse. Therefore, your goodness and your badness is dependent on other people’s actions. “Please treat me well, I want to be good to you in return,” your heart may plead — giving others the control over who you are.

So will you treat them how they are or will you treat them how you are? That’s the question. If you choose the former, you put everything about you — your personality, your behavior, your temperament, your character, your integrity, and best believe: your destiny — in the hands of others. You give them your power, although you think you’re being tough — but the truth is that you’re very much not. While, to the naked eye, meeting unkindness with softness may briefly appear to be weakness, that’s the farthest thing from the truth. And what a sneaky trick it is. 

The true message of kindness and sweetness in response to violence is that you are strong enough to not be moved by them. “You don’t get to decide who I am,” you say…with a smile on your face and peace in your heart. “You don’t get to turn me cold. I will stay warm, not because you deserve it, but because I deserve to be warm.” Flip your perspective. You’re not being good because of them, you’re being good because you love to be good.

You think your brutality hurts them and makes you tougher, but it only ever hurts you. It takes away your kindness. It weakens your character. It makes your integrity muddy. It builds resentment made of tar in your heart — and it’s hard to remove. Being seen as tough may look good for a moment, but it robs you of your gold: your class. 

I came to understand this a while ago through an interesting situation. I was at work and we’re all busy and running around taking care of things, so I hesitated to smile, say hi, or ask how someone’s day was unless they were already showing me openness. I thought, “What if they don’t want to interact? What if they’re busy or tired? I’ll wait to see if they make a move first.” I quickly learned through this experience that, actually, almost everyone is waiting for someone to make a move first. We almost all want to smile at others, but we don’t know if they want that, so we wait to see if they’ll do anything. As both parties wait, nothing happens. 

One day I decided that I actually didn’t care how they responded, I just cared about what I did. It was my personal preference to work in an environment where people acknowledge each other’s presence and meet it with warmth — whether that shows up with a mini check in, a hello, or just a smile with eye contact. I loved being loving, and I realized I didn’t actually care that much whether others loved me back — just that I got to be who I wanted to be.

And sure, this approach wasn’t always met with kindness or enthusiasm, but let me tell you, it was 99.99% of the time. People wanted to be good to me, they just didn’t know if I wanted interaction with them. I learned a few key lessons through this mini life development. For one, I learned that people’s responses — aka their conduct directed towards me — didn’t give me nearly as much fulfillment as it did to be the person I just craved to be. Me getting to be fully me was the prize, not how people received that. You want love in your life? Well, if you are always loving, then you get to constantly live in love. You don’t have to wait for a loving response from someone else. 

I also learned that almost everyone is waiting for the world to give them permission to act the way they want. People are reserved. They’re reluctant to extend themselves vulnerably unless they’re certain it’ll be reciprocated. I am my own best example of this. I only now just admitted to you that I was afraid to interact if someone did not want it. Most people are just afraid. They’re not bad, just reluctant to misstep and be felt as a burden.

Softness, kindness, and sweetness is a vulnerability in a sense. It says, “I assume I’m safe here. I trust.” Well, when you move first in softness without a move from the other party, then in that way you’re trusting without evidence. You’re assuming good things and acting out of a place like it’s already true. 

This is how your destiny is connected to your class. If your character is the same regardless of whose arrow hits you, nothing can take you off your path. You will continue smiling at people, being good to others, and showing up confidently. Eventually this recipe creates a lot of good results. Goodness, eventually, every time, leads to more goodness. But if you allow the way that other people act or how your situation is currently going to turn you bitter and make you act in brutality, then you give the world the power to close you off from opportunity. 

That person could’ve been your husband or wife, but if you only act towards them based on how they’re already acting towards you — instead of showing your own heart — you won’t get what you deserve. You want what you deserve? Then act how you really are. Otherwise you allow things outside of you to dictate your destiny. 

So, what is class? The way you make people feel. Which can also be said as: how much love you give them. If you can internalize that only you decide your own class, then you can choose to constantly lift yourself up. Do you know what an honor it is to make your character beyond reproach? Obviously, we’re human beings, and that’s not quite possible. However, that’s why I say that classiness is close to godliness. The classier you conduct yourself — aka, the more loving you are — the closer you are to God. That being: to his character and in line with his word. 

To treat others well is a sign of class. To be sensitive to the feelings of others is a sign of class. To be soft and understanding is a sign of class. To be nonjudgmental is a sign of class. Why? Because to not take things in offense is a sign of power. To not be defensive is a sign of strength. To not lower yourself to the standards of others is a show of who you are. When the dogs bark, do you get down on all fours and bark back? Just like a dog?

The uglier the words are that leave your mouth, the uglier the mirror becomes. Your brutality reflects on no one else but yourself. Similarly, the more beautifully you show up in your expression, the more beautifully you are expressed. You can let the way other people act roll off your back, but you can never escape your own conduct. 100 out of 100 times, it will reflect on your skin. 

The higher you hold your class, the closer you are to God. Think about God. He’s all-powerful, he can make things happen without the help of anybody. He is full of love. Full of forgiveness. The Bible says, “It is one’s honor to overlook an offense” (NIV Proverbs 19:11). It honors you when you forgive. It honors you when you ignore the badness of others. It honors you because you remain behaving at the same level of love and kindness as before the offense. Their mistreatment cannot take away your love and goodness. Therefore…you are more powerful than how they treat you. 

The better you are to others, the better you are. You can do all sorts of things in this world that set you apart, but I think the most mundane, repetitious, and yet monumental sign of class is how good you are to others. Are you sensitive to how your speech will make them feel? Do you go out of your way to show respect? Do you welcome others with warmth? That’s class, baby. It’s the class you can’t put on you; it’s embodied.