By Dina Aldabbagh

Are we who we are because this is just…us, or are we who we are because of hundreds to thousands of renditions of performing in the same way? I’m of the belief that we are created to be who we are through rendition, through habit. You put your phone in the same place in your car every time because you did it once and it felt right. Then, since you figured it out, you kept to it. Eventually, without even thinking about your preferences or your “why,” without fail your phone goes to that same spot. That’s life. Once upon a time we did something and figured, ‘This is sufficient,’ and kept doing it. Thus, the neural pathway that leads from intention to action was rendered over and over again until that action became completely automated. I put my sunscreen on my face in the same way every morning. I lay out my clothes in the same order every night. I take a bite from the recipe as I plate it every time. These have become habits. They feel right because they feel easy, and they feel easy because I’ve strengthened those neural pathways hundreds of times. Mind you, that applies to your mind too. Was that poetry?

You don’t only do things a certain way or in a specific order because of these neural pathways, but you also think the way you do because you’ve thought that way thousands of times. The mind goes back a lot further in history than the physical actions, so our patterns of thinking are much more difficult to change. We were all children at some point who naturally reacted in a certain way to a certain trigger. We grew up being known for having a certain personality or temperament because before we even understood what we were doing, we were establishing the same neural pathways. By the time you’re 16 years old, you’re a very developed personality. When you’re 18 years old, to about 30 years old, you’re still in prime time to change your identity. That’s not to say it can’t happen later, but truthfully, people give up trying later. Eventually, people accept the parts of themselves that even they don’t like. They don’t even know why they react to life in the way that they do, because they never dug deep into it, and they never tried to change it. By the time most people reach 40 years old, they will never change — not because they can’t, but because they’ve accepted themselves. 

Accepting yourself sounds very sweet and flowery, and it can be, but not when it means you’ve accepted a lower standard of life for the next 40-60 years because you refused to make the changes now. “Don’t miss the boat,” my mom always says. There are certain periods in life that you can make things happen for yourself because that’s when the opportunity comes up. You can do it later, but it’s so much harder, and most people won’t. You could say, “I’m the exception, I don’t have to change now, I have a lot of tomorrows ahead,” but you don’t know what place you’ll be in tomorrow, or — not to sound too bleak — if you’ll even get a tomorrow. It’s a good thing to believe yourself to be the exception when you’re reaching for high goals and needing to strengthen your belief in your abilities, but a good general rule is to not treat yourself like the exception on a daily basis. Don’t think yourself to be invincible. Don’t assume that you have unlimited chances. And certainly don’t presume that you can do less work and still get high results. Humble yourself to believe that you have to actually put in more work than others, and you’ll go further than them all. 

Have you ever really looked at yourself and asked, “Why do I do this?” — ‘I don’t want to lash out at my siblings, but I can’t help it.’ ‘I don’t want to triple text with no response and look desperate, but I just need to.’ ‘I don’t want to overeat, but the craving is too strong.’ We all have these behaviors that we feel like we’re not even in control of; something happens, and we just respond in this manner without thinking. That’s because that neural pathway has been strengthened too many times to count, and that behavior is automated subconsciously. You don’t have to think about it for it to happen. Now you’re at the place that if you want to change it, you do have to think about it to make that change take place. The good news is that eventually that positive change will be automated as well. 

So how do you change? First you have to decide who you want to be. That person needs to become clear as day in your mind. An easy way to figure this out is to ask, ‘How do you want to be seen by others?’ While I’m a very strong contender that public perception does not rule who you are, we are socialized to understand our identities in this world in respect to how we are treated by other people — this starts very young. If people have always treated you like you were dumb, you probably think that you’re dumb. If people have always treated you like someone unattractive, you probably think that you’re unattractive. If no one ever texted you first, you probably learned that you’re the kind of person who has to text first to have relationships. Instead of challenging these types of assumptions of our identity, we submitted to them, thus making the decision to allow them. How-absolutely-ever, with the perceptions that you don’t like being associated with you, you probably feel a very great deal of misalignment. That’s actually the only way to get yourself to change. The world may treat you like you’re worthless, but if you feel like a valuable human being, you’ll think to yourself, ‘What’s going on here? Why is everyone treating me like this? I’m valuable.’ You’re only going to feel prompted to change these things if they feel wrong within your soul. So first I need you to ask the million dollar question: what kind of person do I want to be seen, and treated, as?

Is that someone strong? Is that someone classy? Do you want to be considered someone who has very good style? Do you want to be known for being hardworking? Once you figure that out, you’ll have actually unlocked the key: how you want to see yourself. Then, once you see yourself as that kind of person, the very natural consequence is eventually everyone else does too. Even if they don’t for a long while, you’ll still know, ‘This is who I am now.’ You’ll only feel insecurity about how others see you if you don’t truly see yourself as that version. And how do you really change your perception of yourself? You prove to yourself time and time again what kind of person you are. Rendition. 

Here’s the key to unlocking it all: 

Create new reactions to the same triggers. You do this by first recognizing when you’re doing something, then pausing before reacting, then deciding to act the way that aligns with who you want to be. You actually only have to do it a few times before it becomes a whole lot easier. 

How you want to be treated is a very important part of the question. At some point, we have to accept that certain actions result in their corresponding reaction. People treat you how you show up. If you never speak up for yourself, that tells the world that you’re a passive person who’s generally okay with any kind of treatment, and the consequential reaction is that you will get whatever type of treatment. But if you were to communicate strong boundaries and expectations, that tells the world you demand a certain standard of treatment, and people will also act accordingly to that. How we dress plays a huge role as well. If you want to be seen as a put-together individual, but walk around in public in sweats and an oversized t-shirt all the time, people won’t necessarily think that you’re put together. Now, that doesn’t mean that they can’t think that you’re put-together, but the people who are able to do whatever they want and still garner the same standard of treatment are people who have already well-established the kind of person that they are. But you’re a beginner. You have to start the journey and you don’t start as a master. 

Until you can really establish with the world the kind of person that you are, you must act in the way that will get you the kind of treatment you want, regardless if you think that’s right or not. You may think, ‘That’s not fair. People should be able to see that this is just one side of me and doesn’t speak to me as a whole. I should be able to wear what I want and still be regarded as a refined person; it just means that I’m put-together in other aspects of my life.’ I agree — but people aren’t like that. It may be the ideal that everyone judges a book after reading it, but it’s not real — very few people will take the time to really look at you as a whole human being before judging you. Their judgments are quick. So put yourself in the best possible position to make sure that you get the kind of treatment from the world that you want. Don’t operate under what’s ideal, operate under what’s real. 

Please understand this: it is 100% in your power to decide who you want to be. You don’t technically get to decide how life works out for you — in that you can’t control the outcomes — but the overwhelming deciding factor to what happens for you in life is what kind of person you are. So you can’t control the outcome, but you can control the input — you. Just because you’ve never been that kind of person does not mean that you can’t be. It is your responsibility to be who you want. In your youth, the world may have induced certain patterns in you, but by the renewing of your mind, you can be transformed, and thus your life can be transformed. There is nothing more important than this. The entire reality you live in begins in your mind. Just because you have always been the kind of person who doesn’t exercise, doesn’t eat healthy, doesn’t stand up for themselves, doesn’t mean that that’s who you can’t start being today. Every single decision you make is a commitment to who you will be in the future, because every action runs a specific neural pathway and connects an action to a reaction. 

Don’t let this world decide for you who you get to be. Be the force that decides that for yourself, and let no one deny you from the most aligned version of yourself. Who you wish you were is who you are meant to be. That’s who God wants you to be, because that’s the version of you that gets to live your best life possible. Step into the fullness of what life can offer you.