By Dina Aldabbagh

After the most incredible year of my life, the last two weeks were filled with goodbyes, revisiting my favorite places, and eating my favorite foods one last time before moving. This thought came into my mind, “How do I properly end this?” Not so much because I was thinking it, but more so because I wasn’t. The fact that I felt so unbothered by this ending triggered the thought of, “Should I be making this matter more? Should I be doing something specific to make this ending special?” And as I write this, during my last 24 hours in this city, I realize…no, there’s not. 

I’m not doing this moment wrong. I’m doing this moment the way that I’m doing this moment. And that’s my moment. That’s the ending to my story here. There’s no specific way I need to do it. There’s no formula. If you spend 3 hours with your friends, 1 hour getting coffee, 2 hours in the park, and take a 3 mile stroll around this, this, and this spot…then you’ll have the perfect ending. Perfect? No. That’s not something that comes from a plan. 

If you’re a Type A person — or just sentimental — you definitely understand being in the mindspace of feeling like everything needs to go to plan in order for things to be right. You think that if you follow these steps, then your story will go the way you want. You deny what you actually want in the moment for what you think will bring you happiness. For what you think will be the most fulfilling thing. And how funny is that? In the planning of the perfect moment to get what you want, you ignore what you want. Seems backwards doesn’t it? Your life story will go the way you want if you ignore what you want in this moment? Well…this present moment is all you ever have control over, so in denying yourself what you want right now, you’re effectively just denying yourself the life story you want — all because you think there’s a specific way this moment is “supposed” to go. Your plan supersedes all, even your own happiness. 

Seems kind of illogical when I put it like that, right? A plan is only ever in place to aid in “the best outcome” coming to fruition. So if your plan is ultimately the obstacle in your way between you and what will truly bring you life fulfillment, then it’s performing the counterproductive result. Sometimes, that plan of yours is the only thing standing in your way from living the life you actually want. 

So, how could I plan the perfect last day in Madrid? How do you fit an entire year of joy in one day? You don’t. How could you take all the meaning you got from a year of your life and package that into one day? You just can’t. And wow…that’s too much pressure. For myself I’d say, there’s no perfect day. At least no perfect day that I can plan out that will mean everything I want it to mean. No, I think the only perfect days are the ones you don’t plan, the ones you let happen — and they happen in a way that is somehow exactly what you wanted or needed. 

There’s no “perfect last day in Madrid” that I could plan out. It would never feel the way I’d want it to feel. “Perfect” is only perfect because it shows up in the way it naturally does, the way it’s meant to. Not because it’s flawless. Not because it is the most significant. The most perfect things are quiet, small, little moments in time — that you wouldn’t change for anything. 

There’s no “should” be. There’s no plan that will give you the fulfillment you genuinely seek. The beauty is genuinely in the freedom — the freedom of letting everything show up as it is, as it wants. To witness how everything shows up is the beauty, it’s not in what you think something should be. It’s just in what it actually is. 

When you accept reality and life and people for exactly what they are, that’s when you get perfect. Because it makes you feel a way that you couldn’t even plan. It calls you to show up in a way that you couldn’t plan. It’s in the in-between that perfect lies. It’s in the cracks between all the plans that perfect actually is. That’s the uncontrivable. You can’t create the perfect crack, you can only allow. And when the crack happens, if you allow yourself to sit at the edge, to deepen into the unknown, the unplanned, the unstrategized — there is where perfect lies. Because even your own mind couldn’t have thought of that. It’s just what happened in the moment, and that’s perfect. It’s in those cracks that you’re so happy it didn’t go any other way. But you could never plan for it to go exactly that way, it just happens. 

While your plans are being held onto so tightly, you’re not allowing the crack to form. Or, if it does start, you misinterpret it. You think “A crack? This is a bad thing. I must fix it.” But it’s not meant to be “fixed” because there is no “should.” There’s no “should” that it’s already supposed to look like. But if you think there is, then you’ll get anxiety when you see the crack. Your worry will convince you that something is “going wrong” — that a crack means break. But, maybe it just means breakthrough. 

Maybe all the crack is is the universe’s help to give you the life you want. To give you the perfect. “The plan” was never what you wanted; you wanted the experience you thought you were planning for — the feelings and the significance that you thought you were penciling in. And that’s just not something you could ever quite plan. You can try, but it’s only perfect when it happens in that unforeseen way. The crack always holds more emotion and experience than you could ever construct. 

So, for a last day in Madrid? A perfect 24 hours? There’s no perfect day that I could plan. I can make my plans and go along and see, but what’s perfect is what happens anyways. I can’t eat the exact right food, spend the exact right time with my friends, visit the exact right coffee shop, walk the exact right route, or pencil in all the exact right things to do for my last day to make it a perfectly significant one. A perfect ending. And that’s way too much pressure.

The pressure I’d put to make it perfect — when that’s already impossible — would just ruin my experience. All that pressure…all that anxiety…all that effort…and all that disappointment when the “perfect” plan doesn’t actually produce the feeling I was going for….it renders void all that effort and intention I put into the plan. But as I said, the plan can never be made perfect. Because the only perfect thing is just what naturally happens. With no force. No plan. No expectancy. Just what passes. Your perfect day doesn’t exist. Your perfect partner doesn’t exist. Your perfect job doesn’t exist. At least, not in the plan. They do exist, but only in the unknown. You can’t “build a bear” the perfect experience. It’s made perfect on its own. You can just allow it. 

When the day is passing me by, and I think “Should I be doing this instead so I enjoy my experience more?” I realize that’s not the question I should be asking. It’s: “Am I happy this is what’s happening right now? Do I really want to change it?” If the answer is, “Yes, I am” and “No, I don’t,” then I don’t have to do anything. The idea that I could strategize the way to “make this experience the exact right one” is off. There is no exact right experience. What’s happening to me is my experience. This IS my story. 

I was thinking about this recently. I was overthinking about something in my life and how I was “wasting” my last moments here in Madrid by focusing so much on it. But then I realized….this thing IS a part of my Madrid story. This is my story. I would think about this situation after I left Madrid too, regardless. So, the only thing I’m actually doing is allowing myself to process and experience my experience in real time. Allowing my present moment to be what it is. Without pressuring it to be something else. Instead, allowing my story to be MY story, not what I think it should be. Not what others’ are. Not what the typical is. Mine. I allowed my mind to be on this situation as much as I wanted it to, because that is my story. 

And once I released that pressure on myself, and assured myself that “you’re not doing this moment wrong,” I allowed the tunnel vision to open up. It is a focus, but not the only focus. I’ve given my attention to the other things that called it naturally. But if I was forcing myself to not think about it, then all my attention would still be on it. Except, then I’d feel shame too. “Don’t do this. Why are you doing this? Are you stupid? Are you that weak that this is something you can’t overcome? You’re not focusing on what really matters.” 

You’re not doing this moment wrong — because, there’s not a “right” version of this moment that’s supposed to be here. Whatever this moment is, is exactly what it’s supposed to be. Whatever you want in this moment, and I mean, truly want — not just think you should want — that’s what direction this moment is supposed to be going in. 

Your desire is a great guide for this moment. It’s leading it, but it’s not forcing it in any certain way. And if my soul wants to think about something, then that’s what I’m going to allow to happen. And if my soul wants fun, unforgettable, free nights with friends, then I’m going to allow that to happen. I’m not going to cut it off by kicking everyone out of the apartment so I can go to bed early, because I have “the perfect plan for tomorrow that I need to be up for.” I’m going to follow this thread and see where it goes. 

You can’t create perfection, but you can cut it off. You can stop it from happening. You can’t create perfection, but you can allow it. There’re forces bigger than us that are helping in the creation of our story. 

Some advice? Clear your own way. Don’t let that plan of yours be the thing standing in your way from living the life you actually want. The truth is, you don’t know for certain whether one thing will be the best thing for you. Part of your story is going to have to come from trusting that internal compass, and allowing it to point you to what is bringing you the most joy. It’s not always what logically “should” be the thing that makes you the happiest that does. Let the plan breathe a little. If your life looks a little different from what you had planned, it doesn’t mean you’re going in the wrong direction. You’re not doing this moment wrong by experiencing it in the honest way you want to, and have the opportunity to. 

“Don’t miss the boat” — that’s something my mom would always say. That is to say, don’t let this moment of opportunity pass. Life is abundant and beautiful and you will have other chances, but this specific moment will never be available again. This is the opportune moment. 

“I will go before the king. If I perish, I perish, but I will not let this moment pass.” If you have the opportunity to do it now, then this is the opportune moment. Do not let it pass because your logical mind thinks it’s unsafe to live your life in an unplanned way.

Two years ago, it was not my plan to come to Madrid. But I didn’t follow the plan — I let my life be revealed to me. And I don’t even have the proper words to describe how rewarding coming to live here has been for me — nothing that would do it justice. So instead I leave you with a piece of advice, follow that desire.