By Dina Aldabbagh

Spending too much time thinking about yourself and your life and being constantly focused on you you you, what you could be doing better, what you need in life to make sure you’re happy or what’s missing — is a recipe for depression. Don’t get me wrong, some level of self-reflection, focus on your own life, and alone time is crucial. You can just as easily get swept up in being constantly around others that you lose your sense of self. You can lose your connection to your own personal philosophy, what you want for yourself, what you like and dislike. But balance, I find, is absolutely necessary.

I’ve been lucky enough to be brought up multiculturally, so I’ve seen both ends of the spectrum. I’ve seen where it can go wrong, but also where it can go very right. America does something very well in that they teach people to have a sense of self. Across many other cultures globally, this isn’t developed. Instead, what is taught is, “You live for your community.” This, taken to an extreme, can do more harm than good. However, at a core level, it’s not wrong. We do live for other people. The truth of the matter is, if you never have the chance to give back to anybody else, to take care of others, and to momentarily sacrifice yourself to honor others, the human psyche can very easily take you down the spiral of finding everything wrong with your life. 

You see, we are each one human being. And while there is obviously much to be discovered about each and every one of us, this thing happens when we focus too much on ourselves: we pathologize ourselves. We blow up our problems. We overthink to a dangerous degree. Living for others — to a healthy extent — however, does the opposite. And the more you live for others, the less you harp on all the little things “wrong” with you and your life. We need something to sacrifice ourselves for. 

Historically this sacrifice has been family, and still is for many. Nowadays we see it for a good number in their careers. Others, in philanthropic work or art. But we, as human beings, create our own suffering by constantly thinking about ourselves. You need something to devote yourself to other than yourself.

Certainly, growing up in American culture has been a blessing, and has taught me that devoting yourself to being your best version — to see what’s the highest level you can achieve — is a great pursuit. I don’t take that away from us; I think it’s great. However there’s this other crucial element that I’ve been able to witness in my other cultures — Arab and Serbian — that I find is the most important piece in happiness: devoting yourself to others. Which is found through community.

As long as you’re coming at it from a place of it being your own choice to sacrifice for others rather than an expectation put on you, there’s no better feeling. I think this is where we see the failure oftentimes. With community being such a large cultural value for not just Slavic and Middle Eastern communities, but almost all non-Western communities, there’s also this sense of sacrifice being forced upon you. It may come from a good place, but it ends up turning people away from that value. There can be shame involved if you’re not willing to self-sacrifice — not always, but that’s where I see the issues arise. However, when done right, community is not just a nice addition to life, it’s your lifeline. It’s what you live for. And there is no greater honor than when it’s your turn to sacrifice yourself for those who love you.

I truly mean it when I say it’s an honor to sacrifice yourself. You see, community is so beautiful because you each show up for each other. So when it’s your opportunity to be good to others — to humble yourself and honor them — you, in turn, honor yourself. And when it is others’ turn? You allow yourself to be loved. It’s an incredibly fulfilling loop and one that gives life meaning. It’s what we live for. 

The sneakiest golden secret to community is that it calls you to presence. You want to have and be in a community? You will be doing things. You will be showing up for people, listening to them, responding thoughtfully, checking in with them — devoting time out of your day for them. That’s what being in a community does. It forces you to not think about yourself. And that’s the key.

If there is any medication to anxiety, sadness, and despair that I have found — it’s presence. When you allow the present moment to be the present moment and don’t think about what everything means or all the future implications or all that needs to currently be changed in order for you to be happy, things are just…okay. You realize you’re fine and you don’t need the day to look like anything specific in order to be happy.

So this is the killer combination: to have people that you feel care for you, the opportunity to sacrifice yourself, and presence. This is the medication. 

If you’re sad, don’t think about yourself so much. Sounds easy, takes practice. But it’s true. To not self-obsess, especially in Western cultures, goes against the individuality we are raised under, but it’s the true solution to your unhappiness. 

As you stop thinking about things, they stop mattering to you. And the opposite is true: if you think about it, it begins to matter to you. Even if it doesn’t matter. When you’re so involved in what’s happening right in front of you, it takes all of your attention, and you genuinely can’t think about your problems. You just don’t have the time to. 

So here’s the balance I’ve found that bridges more traditional cultures with Western cultures: take a moment to process what you need to, and then let it go. That is to say: stop thinking about it. It’s common for more traditional communities to suppress things — to never face them — and that’s certainly not a healthy way forward. However, it’s Western’s habit to pathologize and ruminate on their problems. Give it some time, think about it, and then let it go. Discipline your mind to stop thinking about it. Or…find something to devote yourself to — like community. Find something that takes your attention off yourself and let the bothersome things stop bothering you. 

When we keep circling on the same event or experience or insecurity over and over again, without any new material, we create problems. At some point, there’s only so much you can think about a thing until you’re going in circles and then inventing new material. This is where the negativity blooms. You thinking about it all the time as though it’s a problem makes it a problem. Thus, disciplining your mind and your focus is essential. But having a community that is a call to presence and allows you to devote yourself to is the biggest hack on earth.

Your life can be full of things, but if you’re constantly choosing to focus on what’s not there or the one bad thing, then that really does feel like everything to you. So you have to fill your life with all the good things, and then genuinely keep your focus on it. Find things that force you to be present. 

The opportunity to sacrifice your time and energy for others is not just a gift you give them, but a gift you receive as well. It’s medicine. It heals you. It rewires your brain to not ruminate on things. I once had a friend say in conversation, “The way we feel about others is a habit as well,” and how right she was. The way you’re ruminating on the problem, on what you don’t have, on the “bad” things of life — that’s just a habit. The medication that community provides is it takes you out of that loop. Once you break the habit, it’s so much easier to continue to choose to let go. 

Let community heal you. Let life take your focus. Let the day just be the day.