By Dina Aldabbagh

The trap most people fall into is thinking the danger is outside of them — it never is. The battle you fight is not against the world, other people’s decisions, or random circumstances — it’s in your mind. It’s human nature to think about past situations, just as it is to worry about future conditions. It’s common to assume the worst. It’s no surprise for any brain to review problems. We were biologically made to survive, therefore made to review the past for mistakes and predict the future for incoming threats. It makes sense, but it’s unhelpful. More than that, it’s actually wildly detrimental.

Your battle to live a happy life will never be about getting someone to act how you want, nor about everything unfolding to plan. The only distance between you and peace is measured by how well you are able to discipline your mind. 

If you are unable to decide where your focus goes, to be stern with your thoughts and say, “No, I don’t have to think about that and I won’t,” then you will be a victim of the momentary circumstances. You must decide. You must say “no” to this and “yes” to that. You must cut yourself off in your train of thought. While you cannot control a thought coming to you, you can control feeding it your attention. To entertain a thought is fully in your control. Whether you recognize it or not, you decide to keep thinking about something or to stop thinking about something — and the pattern of what you do and do not think about over time defines your identity.

Eventually you’ll see that your brain learns, “We always think about this, let’s give more of that. We never think about this, let’s stop suggesting that thought.” The brain is non-preferential. It doesn’t actually care what you think about — whether it makes you feel good or bad; it just cares about what gets screentime. Your attention is your equivalent of tuning into a channel and giving that your view. The content doesn’t even matter, viewtime does. The producers of a channel don’t care what show you’re watching, as long as you’re watching. Your brain only recognizes importance, not “good” or “bad.” The more you think about something, the more important your brain considers it. And just the same, the less you think about something, the less your brain gives it importance. 

Everything in this life is neutral, but our definitions of things are what gives it the structure for how something will make us feel and how much it will matter to us. I know it’s much easier said than done, but nothing in this world has to affect you in a specific way. The same exact offensive comment can impact two people in wildly different ways, simply based on their perception. Just because someone says an offensive comment to you doesn’t mean you have to be offended. Your perspective on what their comments mean to your life and identity will be what decides how their commentary feels to you. 

Life, I’ve learned, is spent learning how to live. How to be. How to think. And most importantly, how to see. What lens are you looking at this world through? This sentiment is at the root of everything: you choose how you will live by deciding what gets your attention. The lens through which you look at life is what gives your life its shape, its color, and its meaning. The unfortunate truth on the other side of this is that if you don’t choose the perspective in which you will look at life through, life kind of just decides for you. The omission of the empowering choice is still a choice. It’s a vote to be pulled into the current of whatever the current circumstances are. 

There was something that bothered me for months; I’d think about it all the time. It was quite literally looping in my brain, and just mattered so much to me. I didn’t know at what point it would finally cease to matter. And then I had this very busy week with family where it was just go-go-go, and I simply didn’t have time to think about it. This was unintentional; I was just busy. However, the effect was the same: this thing no longer got screen time. One week, and suddenly it stopped bothering me. 

One week of not thinking about this thing was enough to break the habit of thinking about it. Consequently, from not thinking about it, it stopped mattering to me. Odd how that happened. After thinking about it for months, and being bothered all the while, I only finally felt good when I…stopped. Not when the circumstances changed — nothing was different — no, when I stopped thinking about it. Then it ceased to matter to me anymore. 

That phenomenon right there was the beginning of the end. It taught me: “Hey, when you don’t think about this, you feel good,” and I realized that knowing when to not think about something is just as important to living a peaceful life as knowing when to do something. We hear it a lot, this sentiment of taking action so that you don’t regret anything. Of processing things so they don’t fester. The advice typically circulated is one that encourages people to do something, to think through things, but I’ve learned that life is less affected by additive measures than it is by subtractive measures. What you remove is much more important than what you add.

Many people think that to have a well-rounded life corresponds to a lot of work, but that’s a misperception. In fact, if we were just to remove the behaviors and modalities of thinking that negatively impact our lives rather than trying to add all the “right” behaviors, we would be significantly better off. 

Everything is much easier than we convince ourselves of. To be lean is less about adding meal prepping and a structured exercise regime to your life and more about removing the habit of overeating. To have energy is less about making time in your day to do energy-giving things and more about removing the things that suck your energy. And to be at peace is less about finding all the “right” perspectives, people, and healing mechanisms and more about removing the perceptions, habits, and dependencies that make you feel confused, anxious, and afraid. 

Subtraction is the real additive measure in our lives. As such, it’s less about making sure you’re always thinking the right things and focusing on good things and more about focusing less on the things that give you strife. Through this process of subtraction of the negative, you will naturally skew towards the positive. Your focus doesn’t have to be on doing all the things that are supposed to help you, but just to take away the things that are doing harm to you.

If it’s hurting you, it has to go in order for you to find peace. On the contrary, if it’s good for you, it doesn’t necessarily have to be in your life for you to be okay. One of these two you cannot escape the effects of — you will feel the difference of life quality based on its absence or presence in your life. 

So I have learned that not thinking about it is just as important as “good” involvement. Not thinking about it keeps you sane while overthinking drives you to sadness and insanity. The mind can loop like you wouldn’t believe, if you let it. It’s your job to cut off the loop.

In order to live a life of peace, you must discipline your mind. You must catch yourself in moments of a negative thought and actively choose to stop thinking it. Eventually, your brain stops suggesting it, but for a while, you will have to be very deliberate. 

I used to have this nerve-relieving tic a while ago that I was finally able to stop. I noticed I would default to performing this behavior right as uncomfortable thoughts or feelings were coming up. However whenever I tried to not do this thing, I also felt extremely uncomfortable. I began saying to myself “Just because it’s uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s unsafe.” Soon enough, I stopped feeling the urge to go to this thing in times of discomfort. 

Sometimes it feels like if you don’t think about the thing or do that soothing behavior, that something bad will happen. That’s your mind tricking you. It is only the discomfort of energy not having anywhere to go. Overthinking, nail-biting, emotional eating, social media doom-scrolling, mal-adaptive daydreaming, or drug use are all just means in which your body discharges uncomfortable energy. 

It is very uncomfortable to sit in discomfort, obviously. It feels a lot better to have some means of getting that energy out of your body. However uncomfortable doesn’t mean unsafe. I’ll suggest that the overthinking, the quick jump to judge others, or the internalized blame is nothing more than your nervous system’s way of regulating. It may be your way of feeling safe in the moment, but it’s doing more harm than good. 

To catch yourself in the habit of your wandering mind is a practice of discipline, and it will change your life. You will find peace not by locating peace itself, but by removing the confusion, worry, and fear that covers the peaceful lens. I wonder if you, like myself, took one week off from thinking at all about just one thing that’s been bothering you — how that would change your life…