By Dina Aldabbagh

Let’s be clear, no one ever drags down someone who they’re ahead of. They don’t need to. It’s a waste of energy, first of all, and moreover, the person who’s more advanced knows what it’s like to be a beginner. So know this, no one at the gym who’s in great shape and genuinely cares about health will ever shame someone who’s in the beginning of their journey. They’re rooting for you. They’re happy you’re getting after it and that you’re on course to be another healthy member of society. So know this, if you ever feel shamed at the gym, either that’s completely in your head, or that person is seriously not someone whose opinion you should care about. 

First off, let’s not assume the worst in others, let’s look inward. You must inquire internally — is that shame that you think is coming from others, actually something that you are putting onto yourself? Do you feel like, ‘I should’ve started earlier,’ ‘It’s embarrassing that I don’t know how to do this properly,’ ‘Am I even doing this right?’ ‘I’m embarrassed of my body,’ etc? Before externalizing, we must always introspect and see if actually the issue is not with the world, but with something we are unnecessarily putting ourselves through. It’s very common to deter oneself from doing something because they feel embarrassed for being a beginner. Language learning is a great example. So many people will study a language on their own, but they won’t ever advance if they’re unwilling to speak with natives, or just other speakers in general. Why? Because it can feel embarrassing to make mistakes, to not know something, to stall out in a conversation, or to simply be perceived as a foolish beginner. But that’s the trick. This is wisdom from Epictetus:

“If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.”

If you want to advance at anything in this life, you must be okay with others seeing you as foolish. In my Spanish learning journey, I accepted from the jump that I would look foolish — especially to natives. I just took that to heart and didn’t wish for anything other than improvement. As I developed my knowledge of the language, I asked some native speaker friends of mine if we could speak to each other in Spanish, and I made many, many mistakes — I still do — but in just “bulldozing through what [I] don’t know,” as a friend said, I got better. The crazy thing I found along the way of language learning was how many people wanted to learn Spanish too. I’d ask them if we could speak together, but one after another felt too ashamed and embarrassed for having not been far enough to be able to speak well. Instead of taking me up on my offer, they’d all shy away from it. 

So before doing the easy thing and blaming others for why you won’t start, be honest with just yourself for a moment. Is other people shaming you the reason you don’t want to partake, or is it your own internalized embarrassment of being a beginner? If you go through life assuming everything is your responsibility and not caring how you look to others in the pursuit of getting the life you want, I promise you will be 100x better off. If you get to the end of your life and disagree, I’ll give you the money-back guarantee. But in the meantime, just get in the gym and look stupid. Who cares what anyone else thinks? If anything, the well-seasoned gym goers may be annoyed that you lack gym etiquette, so do a little research if you’d like to be prepared. But truly, people aren’t judging you as much as you think, and that shame is probably coming from within.  

Secondly, if they are a true gym pro, they’re really not looking at you and judging just because you’re clearly new or not fit. Honestly, they’re probably not thinking about you at all. But even so, any experienced gym goer is happy to see other people working toward health. Every person there had a first time in the gym. Every person was a beginner. And if you stick to it, you will soon know that when you are living a life that is healthy for you, you want everybody to partake in those habits. That’s part of the responsibility of gaining wisdom: helping others, lifting others up, wanting that wisdom for others. It is wise to take care of your health through daily movement, so everyone there who takes it seriously is so happy to see other people take it seriously as well. Trust me, they’re secretly rooting for you. They’re happy for you that you’re starting. Also, consider how many people in the gym are people who have struggled with their own body-image issues in the past. I’ll tell you, a good number. Most people in the world, and certainly in the US, struggle with their own body-image issues at some point in their life. If you’re just a bare-minimum, good-ish person, you don’t wish for other people to refrain from exercise because they’re not already in shape; instead, you wish that they have the strength to work towards a healthier body. And that’s the lowest degree of the standard.

But let’s say for the sake of anomaly that they are judging you, that is someone whose opinion you need to place lower than the troposphere. Take their judgement and place it in the darkest part of the ocean — the unseen, the undiscoverable — that’s how much you need to ignore it. Does whatever that lives in the black depth of the ocean have any effect on your daily life? Clearly not. That’s how little their opinion should matter to you. This is because this is a person who is so deeply insecure that they need to latch onto whatever aspect of life they feel ahead in, and instead of boosting other people, they’d rather take the bottom of their shoe and stomp that person into the ground. Ask yourself, ‘Do I want to be a person like that? Someone who is mean-spirited? Someone who derives joy in using their advantages to shame others? Someone who only has this one thing going for them that they want to claim complete ownership of and make it as exclusive as possible by discouraging others from partaking so that they can feel some superiority?’ Please — surely not. Before you accept the shame that someone like that wants to put on you for doing something genuinely beneficial for yourself, truly examine the source this shame is coming from. If you don’t want to be more like them, don’t accept whatever advice, or shame, they’re sending your way. 

Another alternative is that if they are giving off an energy that they’re judging you, maybe they’re also a beginner who’s better at hiding it. You’re a lot better off in this world when you realize that people aren’t as far ahead as they present. Everyone is still figuring it out. Even someone who’s been in the gym for two years is still trying new exercises and messing up, or working on a new machine and unsure how to use it properly. People aren’t as advanced as you think, you just can’t see it from their perception. You only see the world through your eyes, so if someone presents confidently enough, you’re bound to think, ‘Surely this person knows what they’re doing.’ The secret is: maybe they don’t. Realizing this helps so much in the understanding that you’re not as far behind as you think. You’re not doing as bad as it can feel at times. Therefore, you don’t have to judge yourself too harshly. Everyone is still learning. 

Before accepting discouragement, I urge you to fully consider the scope of possibilities. Before taking things personally, I implore you to ask yourself, ‘What else may be happening here that I can’t see? If I assume people are good, what am I missing? What’s another way I can look at what is happening?’ There’s always another way to look at a situation that is more beneficial to you. If you can change your perspective to look at things in a way that motivates what is the healthiest way of living for you, do it. Think to your benefit, and if you’re a beginner, look to more experienced, trustworthy, good willed sources for wisdom. 

If you’re afraid that you’ll get fat-shamed, skinny-shamed, or seen as a fool if you start going to a public gym, go anyway. Or, go for walks outside for that matter. But don’t let your insecurities of how you’ll be perceived stop you. You’ll gain that confidence in yourself pretty quickly if you decide to make a commitment to your health, because you’ll realize all the confidence and motivation you needed was always going to come from within.