By Dina Aldabbagh

“The important thing is, can you see yourself here?” — that’s what my real estate agent said to me during my search for an apartment in Madrid. It’s stuck with me since, touching territories in my mind far beyond a single apartment.

For those who aren’t aware, the housing market in Madrid has become an issue. When I arrived, it was a particularly busy time to try to find a place. You’d go visit an apartment and while there — fully inside — it would be taken out from under you, signed by someone else. Everyone around me was freaking out and the nerves were running high. It took me an especially long time, and I was getting tired, but I just couldn’t find a place I liked. Every place I visited just felt…wrong. There was almost always some foundational aspect of it that I simply couldn’t overlook. And believe me, I saw a lot of places, almost signing at a couple out of sheer exhaustion. “You have to live somewhere, maybe it’s time to settle.”

When I found the place I’m currently living, it was far from perfect — but something felt right about it. Still, I was reluctant. It wasn’t quite what I was envisioning for myself, which was disappointing after already having been through all I had on my hunt for a home. I walked through the place with the agent and wasn’t exactly the face of enthusiasm. I noted thing after thing to the agent that it lacked or had wrong about it. In my heart, I was searching for the perfect place, and I hated the idea that I would have to settle. I kept holding out hope, but it was really wearing thin. 

The agent validated my criticisms of the place, but then said something that flipped a switch in my mind, maybe changing my brain chemistry forever: “The important thing is, can you see yourself here?” In effect, she was saying, “I know it’s not perfect, but is it good enough for you in the important ways so that you can accept its flaws?” My reluctant answer was yes. I could see myself here, despite feeling let down that it wasn’t the imaginary, perfect place I saw for myself. Its location was great, my room was beautiful, it had a balcony with large windows, and it was right in the price range I was looking to pay. It had its flaws — it was very old and clearly worn, the kitchen and living room weren’t the most inviting, the bathroom space was tight, and there were a lot of little things around the place that needed fixing. 

Funny enough, in all the months I’ve been living here, those things simply never come to mind. The important thing was that it felt right. The things I thought I would care about ended up being so negligible. In the end, it was only those few things I knew at the beginning of my search would be crucial to my satisfaction that mattered. 

Since then, I’ve just felt extremely grateful to be living in this place — I absolutely love it. I appreciate it every day that I walk around my beautiful neighborhood — so well connected to everything, so many options for food, amenities, and cafes, and so picturesque. Every time that I walk up to my door, I feel grateful to live somewhere that feels so safe, no matter what time of day it is. This neighborhood wasn’t even on my radar during my search, and yet if I had to do the search again and again, I would choose to live here every time. I learned that the most important thing was having a home that felt right and hit my core needs to feel satisfaction and fulfillment about my living situation. And now, I will always have this be my favorite little corner of Madrid. 

“The important thing is, can you see yourself here?” This has continued to ring in my mind as I made other important decisions in life. There is no perfect thing in this world, but can you see it for yourself? Can you imagine yourself with this thing in your life and can it be enough to satisfy what important needs you’re seeking for it to? An apartment in a safe, well connected area that had a certain homey and light vibe to it was what I was really seeking, not perfection. I didn’t actually need the biggest bathroom or the most modern kitchen. While those things would’ve been nice, what I got from living in this apartment was exactly what I needed. 

We sometimes get so caught up in the search for the perfect thing that will be everything we’ve always wanted, but nothing in life is perfect and nothing in life can satisfy all our needs. There is no one answer that scratches the insatiable itch we have as human beings. It’s actually an accumulation of many elements and the proper mindset that allows us to feel at peace in life. I ultimately wanted a place that would facilitate the kind of life I wanted to live in Madrid, not hinder it, and that’s what I got. Perfect? No. Successful? Yes. So, mission accomplished — because here I am, satisfied.    

You have to ask yourself, “What is really important to me here? What aspects of this thing are crucial to me feeling a certain mental satisfaction about life and permit the kind of functionality to fit the lifestyle I want to live?” This is important. You have to be honest with yourself. What kind of lifestyle are you looking to live? What kind of vibe do you want to feel on a daily basis? Who do you want to see yourself as? What pillars are foundational to you as a human being?

When choosing a career, for example, it’s not enough to “like” the job. You have to ask yourself if a potential path really gives you what you seek out of life. Do you seek to live with a certain financial freedom or lavishness? While we all want financial freedom, to some people it’s not that important to be able to eat out, buy clothes, and vacation whenever and however they desire. Whereas to another group of people, if they feel like they can’t eat how they want, wear what they want, and travel in the way they want, they would feel completely stifled by life. To the latter group, you better choose a career that will give you the paycheck that funds the life you envision for yourself. Or maybe you’re the kind of person who just sees a job as a means to fund life’s necessities and would prefer a low-maintenance profession that doesn’t demand climbing the career ladder, but instead leaves your evenings and weekends free for friends and family. Therefore, a highly competitive, corporate job isn’t the one for you. 

Perhaps you’re someone who values safety and stability; you should probably find a role that is always needed by society and less “risky” than, say, a creative pursuit. If you’re the kind of person who wants to be regarded at a certain level by others in society, it would be essential to find a highly respectable job, like a doctor or engineer. The important thing to understand here is none of these are “wrong” or something you should try to change about yourself. You will get so much further in life when you practice honesty without shame, particularly with yourself. Be honest about what you truly want out of life. And here’s the next crucial step: understand what need you’re looking for this specific thing to satisfy.

When choosing a job, an apartment, or a partner, you have to prioritize what the most important needs you want to fill from getting this thing are, and start from there. Overtime you can change and develop, as your needs do, but you cannot stifle the actual desire you have. You can’t choose a partner who “should” be everything you want, but is not, and be satisfied. We all have our own desires, which inform our priorities — and you need to prioritize. Remember, there is no “perfect” thing, but is it giving you what you need from it?

It’s okay to admit that you want something to help satisfy some of your emotional needs. Further, your mind and priorities are subject to change. You don’t really know if that thing is something special yet, you just know that you have a drawing into it. With anything, you don’t know if you’ll genuinely love it before you try it, but you can rest easy with the fact that nothing is perfect, and at least for now, the pursuit of this path will help satisfy some of your needs. 

The purging of shame is an unavoidable step. One area we feel so much shame in is admitting to ourselves our true desires regarding romance. You don’t need to be ashamed for wanting someone to reach out because it’ll make you feel seen, it’ll give you some excitement in life, it’ll open you up to new relationships, or it’ll allow you to explore your internal workings between friendship and romantic feelings. You don’t need to feel ashamed for being a human being. God made you to feel things, and experience is the point of life. The key is to not idolize this desire you have — don’t believe that it will fulfill all your needs. If you idolize something, what you’re actually seeking is perfection. You can’t expect that out of anything because nothing can offer that. 

In seeking perfection, you’re soliciting a salvation that is really just rescuing. To believe that one job, one relationship, or one home will solve the emptiness you feel within is at the crux of what you need to reframe. At the end of the day, nothing from the external world will fill that. It comes from a collation of many different things, including the aligned heart posture — feeling grateful for what you have, like you have a purpose in the steps you’re taking, excited and hopeful for the future, and like you’re being valued by the things you value in your life. 

While fulfillment is more spiritual than it is physical, there are aspects of the physical that play important roles in spiritual fulfillment. It’s actually really natural, and moreover, healthy to want things out of life. Not to come at it from a place of idolization or the belief that it will fill the voids still in your life, but rather to approach it knowing you will indeed get something out of it. That’s quite literally why we do anything. Any physical thing that God has for us gives us something that helps in the satisfaction of our spirit. It’s okay to admit to yourself what you really will get out of having your desires. 

Would a specific job make you happy? It may give you direction in my life. A sense of direction is crucial to the human experience, and your desire for it is appropriate. Maybe it makes you feel safe. It’s not weak to prioritize safety. Or it could make you feel like you have a position of dignity in the world. It’s not shallow to desire a respectable identity. These things are okay to admit to wanting, just know that the desired object is not everything. It’s not going to be the one and all source of wholeness in your life, but it will help meet some needs. So to count on it to “make you happy” is a slightly misguided sentiment. Rather, understand that it’s giving you direction, safety, and supports the identity that you want to embody. These needs being fulfilled will support your overall life satisfaction — i.e. happiness.

Once you can remove the internalized shame associated with admitting what need you’re actually searching to be filled from getting your desire, you can prioritize properly. You can allow your husband to give you attention, your job to give you stability, your kids to give you legacy, your body to give you pride, and so on. We are human beings, these are normal desires and you don’t have to pretend like you’re above such “shallow” things. Own the truth of what you’re actually hoping to gain from the thing you want. Do this and you can allow your life to be a mosaic rather than a portrait. It may seem like your happiness lies in some one perfect picture of you, but really it is in the little joy you can harvest from all the aspects of your life.  

The effect it has is that it allows freedom and detachment. When you stop seeking out the sole antidote to your life’s dissatisfaction, you let things be what they are: imperfect. From there, you decide if a thing can give you some aspect of what you want out of life, and if it’s worth the downsides. When you stop expecting something to be the ultimate solution to your dissatisfaction, you extract from things what they are naturally giving you, rather than trying to force them to be something else and give you more than they can. Then you can start taking baby steps to feeling more overall contentment in life. 

So, it’s okay to feel disappointed if what life is offering you at the moment isn’t everything you envisioned for yourself — that’s human. But, is it offering you something? Can it meet a need that your soul is aching for right now? Can you get something out of what you have available to you? Let’s start there. If no, okay — keep going forward on your quest. If you can’t see yourself here, that’s one thing. But if you’re rejecting a good thing in hopes for a perfect thing, that’s something else entirely. The ability to derive even a little fulfillment from your current circumstances leaves you better off than before. Ultimately, I needed a place to live, ASAP. Thus, a need was met for me that felt like a breath of fresh air to crushed lungs — even though it wasn’t perfect.

Sometimes when I walk through my door, I think of that moment, “The important thing is, can you see yourself here?” and I smile and say to myself, “Yes, I can.” The ability to accept that no one thing will be the blanket that covers all my holes has freed me. It has taken off this pressure for every single opportunity I come across to be it — the thing, the solution. I’ve welcomed in imperfections and become a certified excavator — pulling whatever goodness I can out of every circumstance offered to me. Things don’t need to be perfect as long as you can focus on what good it’s giving you. Then, the imperfections become background noise, and you can sit with your face to the sun, getting your vitamin D.