By Dina Aldabbagh

There is one way I’ve found for us to go in circles, and that is by intending to avoid consequences. I suggest that this is true in a manner more obscure than we ever think about. You see, the habit of human beings is to try to avoid negative consequences, but sometimes that’s exactly what we need to break the cycle. Sometimes, you need to see for yourself, first hand, that whatever thing is not worth its cost. This is only done by experiencing the consequences and its effects, never by avoiding it. 

I know that sounds very abstract, but stick with me. Let’s say you want to do something, but authority has told you that you can’t do it because the consequences are bad. Therefore, you avoid this thing…kinda. The desire is still alive in you, but now it’s suppressed, because you’ve never shown it why that thing is bad. You can tell someone something a million times, but they will never understand the lesson for themselves until they’ve seen it with their eyes. 

Thus, although you “know” you “shouldn’t” do this thing, you don’t actually know. So the desire stays alive in you because it doesn’t fully make sense as to why the desire isn’t worth it. Our minds, nervous systems, and bodies are extremely intelligent systems — sense clarifies things. When something finally makes sense, it’s like putting on glasses to see the world. Now that you’ve seen it clearly, your imagination can no longer fill in the gaps and pretend you’re seeing something you’re not. When you experience the consequences, cleanly, then desire recalibrates. 

“Cleanly,” I said. This is important. You may be thinking, “But I have experienced negative consequences, and yet I still want to, and feel compelled to, do this thing.” This is where the “clean” comes in. Because our minds work very well at narrative-building, we latch onto the stories of things that are “good” and “bad.” Then, what often happens is that when we want something that our mind “knows” is “bad” for us, it shames us in an attempt to deter the desire and action that follows desire. But shame is not the same thing as seeing clearly. Shame muddies the whole experience. 

When we shame ourselves, then the consequence we actually experience from our desire is shame, not the true consequence of the action. We may still experience that, but shame overtakes it by a mile. Ultimately, the internal experience of shame will outweigh any momentary negative consequence from an action — because shame festers. 

If you go outside on a cold day without a sweater and shame yourself for feeling cold, you may still feel cold, but the real bad experience is the shame. The words that say, “See, you’re stupid,” “Why do you never do the right thing?” “If you weren’t so lazy, you would’ve just grabbed a sweater,” are a horrible experience that festers into your identity. To feel cold is a switch that turns on and off. Go inside and you’re warm in a few minutes at most. It’s very surface level. To shame, however, lasts much longer and cuts much deeper into one’s psyche. 

Thus, what we’re avoiding a lot of times by not doing something we want is not the actual consequence, but the shame we would put on ourselves. However, shame doesn’t clarify desire — never, I’ve found. You can shame shame shame yourself, but still very much want that thing. Because shame doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t provide clarity. Feeling cold provides clarity. And if you just allow yourself to feel cold, the very intelligent system that is your being will naturally recalibrate and say next time before leaving the house: “I want to grab a sweater.”

The problem with not allowing yourself to just feel the cold is that you stay in a loop. You never fully get your desire, cleanly, and you never fully experience the consequence of that desire, clearly. So you stay in this limbo of desire suppression that wants something that it knows it “shouldn’t” without really understanding why it shouldn’t. If you always begrudgingly grab a sweater while not wanting to wear one, then yes, you will be warm, but the desire won’t be resolved. It will weigh on you like “Gosh I just wish I didn’t have to wear a sweater.” Here’s the thing: you don’t have to. You can choose to not wear a sweater, but your desire to not have a sweater may very well change after experiencing the cold. 

My suggestion to you is that if you allow yourself to pursue the desire and feel the consequence without shame, then you will learn why. Something will click. Then, the thing you “should” do will no longer feel like an uphill climb. It will feel easy, because it’s what you actually want. 

Several years ago, I used to vape. I didn’t carry any morality around it, and the consequences of this new technology were still too early to be completely proven true, so I didn’t have the “shouldn’t” in my head about it. I just allowed myself to vape. Eventually, I hit a point where I was buying these $20 disposable vapes, going through about two a week, when I started to notice I didn’t even like the taste that much. I can’t really explain it, I don’t know if they changed the recipe or what have you, but the experience stopped being super positive. 

I kept going through these vapes, however, as I was so used to it and had a longer history of enjoying it than not enjoying it. At some point, though, I was sitting in my car, after basically just opening another $40 purchase, and I thought to myself, “This is a bad experience.” I did not think to myself, “You’re disgusting for smoking,” but rather the thought was centered on what I was experiencing from vaping itself. Further, I looked at these new vapes and said to myself, “Why am I spending $40 on this? I don’t even like it.” That is to say: I saw clearly that the positive experience of smoking vapes did not outweigh the negative costs. So naturally, I let them go. 

I threw away those brand new vapes and — while I never called it “quitting” and always said to myself, “It’s always on the table if you ever want to again, Dina” — I have not picked it up since. This was three years ago. I never intended to quit, I just never wanted it again. After two days, I even lost the impulse to grab something, as I had gotten used to having a vape in my hand. 

Interestingly, I’d been around other people who vaped, and I distinctly remember after some time, being right next to it and asking myself, “Do you want this? Even maybe just one hit?” But no part of me did. The desire was not suppressed. The restraint was not forced. It was true for me. This is the manifestation of seeing clear consequences. Your brain just eventually clicks it together: “Hey, this isn’t worth it. It’s not giving me enough good to outweigh the costs.”

I’m essentially giving you advice that goes against all orthodox teachings. I’m telling you don’t suppress desire — because ultimately I believe that your system is strong enough to calibrate once it sees the consequences. Yes, there is certainly a time for rigidity and firm discipline. I believe in this 100%. This advice isn’t necessarily for those who have no impulse control. Rather, this advice is more directed to those who feel the need to constantly monitor desire and action to make sure they don’t “slip.” It’s for the hypervigilant. 

Let me tell you, if you take away morality — and therefore shame, if you recognize that you are safe to go down this road a bit, and if you allow yourself to experience consequences, you will learn. And it will become natural. Your life isn’t meant to be lived in constant hypervigilance. Sure, when there is no structure, there is a time for firmness. But eventually, the goal is to change the discipline into something natural — not something you have to constantly keep an eye on. 

You just need to know you’re safe enough to experience consequences. Yes, if you go outside in winter without a sweater, you will experience cold, but you will not die. And further, experiencing the cold is the whole point. You are meant to learn what cold feels like, so your desire naturally calibrates to wanting to carry the right protection. 

Consequences are not a bad thing, and they are not something to avoid. Run towards them. Let yourself see. Suppression and shame is, in my books, infinitely more dangerous for a person. The cycle of compulsion and hypervigilance is not worth experiencing instead of just allowing a period of life where you let yourself feel the consequences of your desire. Just trust that you will learn.  

Remember something: desire clarifies. Sometimes it shows you that something is very right for you, and sometimes it shows you that something is actually wrong for you. But regardless, it shows you something — when you allow yourself to see where the road leads.