By Dina Aldabbagh

The quote is something like, “To those who a lot is given, a lot will be asked.” But actually, I think the more accurate version is “To those who can handle a lot, a lot will be given.”

The popular quote frames it in the sense that first you are given something, and afterwards you’ll be asked for something back — but I think it’s more accurate to realize that the world basically does not give you things you cannot handle. Ever. The world is always only giving you the things that you can handle. 

When you look at some people, they seem to be doing so much, yet it looks easy. Yet when you look at others, they seem to be doing so little, yet they feel so pressured. Everything feels so heavy. If you would itemize both receipts, you would see that the first person is certainly doing so, so much more. However, they’re handling it with a certain ease. 

People talk about that effortless look that some people just seem to have in this world. It seems like everything that they do, they do without effort, without force, with total ease. They seem to be calm; they seem to feel zero pressure, and yet everything just seems to go so perfectly. 

This is only because they can handle it all. To these people, excellence is not an exception, it’s the baseline. So to them, to handle a lot doesn’t feel like effort, it feels normal. This does not mean that they are innately “better” than the people who cannot handle much, it just means that they get more. It is as simple as that. The world is not so judgmental as much as it is honest.

The world will always be your mirror. If you do not have a lot, maybe the question is not why you were not given a lot, but what are you currently not handling well that you already have? Sometimes we feel like we should have better things in our lives, yet when you look at the things we already have, we don’t even take care of them. So how could we possibly handle something that requires more responsibility?

You can think of relationships, for example. There can be a high maintenance relationship and a low maintenance relationship. The low maintenance relationship may make you feel worse — or just not as good — but it also requires less of you. It requires you to be less considerate with your words, less generous with your time, less focused with your attention, and less consistent. It requires just less effort and consciousness overall. However, the high maintenance relationship would require a totally different version of you.

In a high maintenance relationship, you’ll have to be someone who knows how to handle conflict, who knows how to be loving, who knows how to allow themselves to be loved, who knows how to put in effort consistently, who knows how to show up when they’re saying they’re going to show up, and someone who just generally has integrity in who they are. It sounds like a lot — because it kind of is in a way — but this type of relationship also gives you so much more than that low maintenance relationship.

The key is that “high” and “low” is a matter of perception. To the people who are in those higher maintenance relationships, it feels normal. However, for people who are not in these relationships, to be able to show up like that on a consistent basis feels way too heavy. And thus, breeds pressure.

It’s all a matter of perspective. Some people may say that they actually prefer the low maintenance relationships, because they’re not looking to get so much from the relationship in return, so they would actually prefer to give less to that relationship. That’s okay. However, for those who do want to get a lot from their relationship — consistent positivity, a loving atmosphere, a partner in life, someone that they can trust — then they are also required to give that back. But then they also get all of those good things themselves. 

So yes, they give a lot, but they get just as much. They get their equal.

We all always get our equal. And maybe, for the moment, if you’re not getting something that you really want, it doesn’t mean that you’re not worth it, but that just for the moment you are not able to handle it. Maybe you just need some growing up to do and some life-training first to be able to handle the thing that you say you want in a way that will allow that thing to stay in your life.

You can’t have a mansion if you’re not willing to care for all the parts of the house. You can’t just forget about a wing, otherwise the house deteriorates. But you’ll never learn how to take care of a mansion if you don’t learn to take care of your room. If you do not make your own bed, how will you care for an entire house? 

I hope for you not to interpret this as though getting little is some sort of punishment for not “being enough,” but rather that it’s grace for not giving you more than you are able to handle at this time. Because sometimes in life, once you’ve lost certain things, you really don’t get another shot with them. At least not with that same exact house, or job, or person. Sure, there will be more in this lifetime, but sometimes once you mishandle an opportunity, that specific opportunity is actually just gone.

You want to be the type of person who’s ready for the things that are meaningful to you when they come into your life. Even though you may think that you just want the thing as soon as possible, the truth is that you really want to be the kind of person who can maintain that thing. The work to get somewhere is already hard enough, so it’s such a shame to lose that thing once you’ve gotten it.

But just start small. Are you caring for all the things in your life today? In regards to all the things that matter to you today in any way, are you caring for them? Even if that job is not the career you want to work in for the rest of your life, are you showing up on time? Are you doing the job without complaining? Are you producing quality? Are you being a pleasure to be around and a good teammate?

Even if that apartment is far too small for what you want for yourself in 10 years, do you clean it? Are you gentle with the drawers when you close them? How long does it take you to fix something when it breaks?

Even if what you have today looks nothing like what you want in the future, it is important that you care for it. If for literally nothing else, just so that you learn how to care for these things. Because that is what really matters. You have to become the type of person who can maintain the life you want. So you have to learn how to care for it.

So, did the chicken or the egg come first? In this case, the work did come first. You do not just get given a lot for no reason, you get given a lot because you did the work to earn it and you have learned how to maintain it.

The relieving secret is that once you get to the life that you dream of, it will feel like your match. It will feel easy. It will not feel like an uphill battle. Effort will not feel like actual effort. It will feel like the natural extension of you.

First, you just have to become the person for whom that life is a norm for.