By Dina Aldabbagh

One of the biggest stresses in life that I find the vast majority of people dealing with is a very particular kind of stress in relationships — it’s the exertion of trying to turn people into something they’re not. We do this extremely often, probably more than we realize. We have people in our lives who we love, but we say, “If only they were more….” or “If only they were less…” We put a lot of stipulations on our happiness, and waste a lot of energy trying to do something that we just can’t: change someone. Even if you could change someone, it’s probably going to take a lot more out of you than it’s worth. 

One thing that’s crucial to realize is that people have different capacities. What may seem natural for you could be way too much for another person to be able to consistently do in a relationship. That doesn’t mean you’re bad or they’re bad, just that maybe you’re not compatible. This sounds like it pertains only to romantic relationships, but it actually applies to every single kind we encounter in life. 

When you’re allowing your peace to be decided based on someone else’s behavior, that’s a recipe for stress. If you go to work and think, “well, I’d be happy at my job if my boss just acknowledged the work I put in,” or if you come home to your partner and think, “I’d actually want to talk to them if they put more of an effort in to ask me about my day,” then what you’re doing is hanging your peace in the balance of a constantly open loop. You can feel no peace because you’re constantly monitoring how someone else is acting, and deciding that one type of behavior results in no peace and another results in peace. 

That’s unfair to you. But listen, they’re not doing it to you, you’re doing it to you. You need to decide to take your power back into your own hands, and, honestly? Just let people face the consequences of their own actions. If someone’s conduct means that they, in turn, become less important to you then…let it. 

It is completely in your power to decide how important someone is to you. On the contrary, it’s not in your power in the least to act for another person; we all decide only our own conduct. So, my advice to you is not to lower your standards, but to let people’s importance in your life naturally reorganize based on what they can give you. 

Someone is not a bad person just because they can’t meet you where you are. They’re not bad just because they don’t have the energy to check in on you. They’re not bad just because they’re unwilling to reorganize their life to accommodate you. They’re not bad just because they typically forget to text you back. You don’t have to moralize them. However, while they may not be bad, they may just not be someone you can rely on. 

It’s okay to decide you can only deeply invest in the people who can meet you where you’re at. Thus, this is the advice: let your life naturally reorganize people’s level of priority in your life based on their behavior.

You may think you’re being loving by trying to fight for the relationship — by trying to show them they have more capacity to be a better friend or partner — but that’s not actually having the impact you desire. Trying to convince people to be more for you doesn’t inspire them as much as make them feel scrutinized. Further, it’s such a fruitless exertion of energy for you because you can’t change people.

Perhaps instead of trying to change anybody, you just let them be who they are. Groundbreaking, I know. Then, based on who they really are, you let their importance in your life naturally rise or fall. Because the truth is, even if you could, for some time, “make” someone be the kind of person to you that you want them to be, you can’t do it forever. It’s too hard, too much energy. Ultimately, you must take the path of least resistance. 

Relationships have enough maintenance required already, you can’t be wasting all your strength to try to make a wrong one into a right one. It needs to feel easy. That doesn’t mean void of effort or initiative, but it does mean you have to feel like the relationship is giving you enough energy in return. If it’s too hard of a relationship to maintain, it’s not worth having. 

It’s important to emphasize that you can truly love someone for the person they are — their personality, energy, drive, presence, what be it — but that shouldn’t be the deciding factor on their importance in your life. You don’t have to reward people for how much you like them — because pulling back energy isn’t sending the message of “I don’t like you,” but rather, “This isn’t feeding me enough.” At the end of the day, relationships are more than how much you like someone — they’re how you feel with and because of this person.

This is where it can easily get confused. You may think that just because when you’re with someone and it’s a great time, that you feel great because of them. However, if there are other aspects about that relationship that are draining you, then those things are also a part of how they make you feel. If they never reach out first, if they’re inconsistent around responses with plans, if you don’t hear from them for ages — and those things make you feel drained, then ultimately that’s included in your experience with them as well. 

From the other side, just because someone feels safe, is responsive, and shows up, but you don’t personally feel stimulated by their personality or level of engagement — then that also impacts how you feel. It’s important to realize that all relationships are different and there’s no one equation for a valuable relationship, but that the way this person makes you feel — be that energized or drained — is going to be your compass.  

And you’re not a bad person for deciding to disengage. This is a natural, adult response to relationships. If the level of attention you’re giving someone’s presence in your life doesn’t feel at least equally as energizing as what you’re putting in, then it’s healthy to pull back your energy. Let the way people make you feel naturally reorganize their level of priority in your life. 

You’re a specific kind of person and you’re going to need what you need out of relationships to feel fed, so stop letting your mind tell you what you should or should not do based on logic. “They’re a good friend,” “he puts in a lot of effort,” “she would be a good mother to kids” — no. Let your body tell you. It’s not going to lie to you. Your mind may say you “should” keep investing, but if your body feels no energy to do so…then that’s what you listen to. 

If you need to convince yourself to keep engaging with someone, that’s probably the sign that you should take some space. The truth is that the people who we get the most out of in life are the same ones we naturally just gravitate towards. For whatever reason, they just excite you. They fill you with energy. It’s simply your natural response to want to engage. 

Take away the “shoulds.” It’s very much okay, and beneficial, to let the purpose of people in your life naturally reorganize to the lane they find themselves in. Maybe you really like one of your coworkers and want to be friends outside of work, but they’re not easing that transition in the relationship. Well, it’s still valuable to have a good coworker. They’re not only valuable to you if they function in the specific way you hoped they would in your life. 

Life is a full web in which everyone we consistently interact with plays a role in enriching our lives. It’s okay if someone is not “everything” to you. It’s okay if they’re just a really good coworker, or roommate, or friend that you occasionally get coffee with. It’s natural to let people fall into the role that they instinctively want to have in your life. We must understand that everyone has different capacity levels, so they may not be exactly what you wanted them to, but they can still enrich your life in some way. 

They’re not bad for not being what you want them to and you’re not bad for wanting more. When you allow people to just be who they are, then you also retain all that energy you would’ve invested in “trying” to make them something else. Instead, you feel full — even if maybe life is just a little more quiet. Naturally, relationships will find their place in your life, and so will the most important ones. 

You just have to let the priority level change based on behavior. If someone is acting a specific way, let that change how you see and value them. Behavior does matter — because it affects you — so while you don’t have to hold any resentment, you can still choose to disengage just because someone’s conduct doesn’t make you feel good. 

In fact, through doing this, you actually become kinder. You become more understanding, more lighthearted, more compassionate — because you’re no longer outsourcing how you feel to other people acting a specific way, so you don’t need anyone to do anything in particular. Instead, you’re naturally letting their behavior organize them in your life. 

This frees you. When you aren’t dependent on other people’s actions, then you internally resolve situations — you close the loop for yourself. If someone is unresponsive leading up to your plans, you don’t have to be on the hook. You don’t have to depend your day’s plans on them. Instead, you actually can give yourself permission to just move on. 

If you’re going to take away anything from this post, let it be this: the amount of attention — and therefore energy — you give someone should be in direct proportion to how energized you feel in return. Let behavior be the metric for how people organize in your life. Some relationships are naturally just going to operate at a specific level, so let them. You don’t need to do more emotional labor to “better” a relationship. You can just let it be. 

People are not “bad” just because they’re not what you wish they were, but you should still let someone’s behavior and added value to your life be the deciding factor for how much energy the relationship receives.