By Dina Aldabbagh

There are many good things out there — many lovely things, many sufficient things, many things that meet even the majority of your standards — but these things are not necessarily the things that are right for you. They may be good for sometime, but they might not be the things that are meant to stay.

These things, I’ve realized, have a very distinct quality to them. They’re not merely based on how many individual boxes they check off, but rather a specific combination that comes together, and makes something come alive in you that says:

“Oh, there I am.”

That’s the quality to go towards and the thing that is very worth holding out for when it calls for it. It’s not that if you were to go with something that does not give you that sense that it won’t make you happy — surely it still can. But I don’t think life is meant to be “good enough.” I think life is meant to feel coherent.

As individuals, we are each a very complex combination of qualities, perspectives, personality traits, temperaments, values, and interests. Each one of us will have very different things they give us that “Oh, there I am” feeling. It is when our specific combination meets another very specific combination. Not “same,” but aligned.

This applies to career, the location you live in, your home, friends, romantic partners, and passions. It is as though whatever that thing is makes something come alive in you. Like when you come into contact with this thing, something in you just sits up a little more straight. It’s recognition. Something in you recognizes yourself in this other thing, and so it only feels right.

I think these are certainly the things in life that are very worth prioritizing. And sometimes that may mean that we let go of something that is great, but is just not it. Of course, nothing will be perfect. What I’m talking about is not perfection. I’m not saying to find something that is exactly you.

What I am saying, however, is that the combination of everything that you are has a certain hierarchy to it. The things that will make you come alive will satisfy the things on the top of your hierarchy. Again, this does not mean everything. No thing, person, place, or job will ever be perfect and will ever give us 100% satisfaction 100% of the time. Again, that’s not what I’m talking about.

This is aliveness. It’s when a part of you that is really important to you is mirrored out there in the world. And it is absolutely something to seek out, and something to not give up on until you find it.

Of course, this can be very difficult — if you put the pressure of a timeline on whatever this thing is. Because you can never force it. You can never guess when you’re going to meet something that’s really important to you. You could never guess when you’ll meet your best friend, your life partner, figure out what career you want to do, or be interested in an activity for the first time ever, and how that interest will turn into a passion. You could never guess it because it just happens so naturally. You’re living life, and then suddenly this thing is in front of your eyes, asking you to notice it.

But if you can take the pressure off, and allow things to go at the pace that they want to go in your life, I think you’ll ultimately be much happier. Historically, I’m an idealist. I do believe that you can have everything you want in this life, and that things indeed can be the best that things can be. I really don’t think anything is out of reach.

Having this perspective, though, has taught me a very important lesson. You have to figure out what is more important for you. If reaching something by a certain timeline is the most important thing to you, then it’s almost certain that you will not find this thing that makes you come alive. It is almost certain that you will allow yourself to settle for something else to meet your timeline goal.

However, I think this is a somewhat backwards approach that we often take. We think by trying to rush something, and thereby settling for something that’s not “it,”  that we will still be happy because we are no longer longing for that thing. But the longing will be there regardless if that’s not the thing that makes you come alive. 

Suddenly, though, at that point, you’ve already invested so much into it that you now have equity in whatever thing it is. If you pick the wrong partner just because you need to get married by a certain time, then you may reach your goal of getting married by that time. However, 10 years down the road, you may be itching to get out and find a person who feels more like a mirror of you. At this point, though, you already have kids with this person, you already share a mortgage, have joint bank accounts, and have a joint life. So now to pursue something that makes you feel better would be a true act of rebellion. And not just rebellion, but something that’s going to make your life a lot harder. It would turn your life completely upside down, and likely many others’ as well. 

Or a job, for example — say that you go to medical school and the whole time you’re there, you know it’s not the thing for you, but you pursue it anyway because you think that’s what you have to do. Then, a year into the field, you already know that there’s no way you can continue, but you’ve already invested so much, so what do you do? You stay. Because now, to leave would be so much work. You feel trapped. 

So what do you do? You deal. You endure. Or you leave. Both options cause you a heck of a headache. In my opinion, the best choice is the first one you ever take. It’s the decision to explore the world and not stop until you find that thing that feels like you. Because once you find the thing that’s right — in whatever domain of life — you really don’t ever feel a need to leave. It’s just so you. 

Yes, of course, we change. And we change in ways we can’t ever predict. You really don’t know who you’ll be in 20 years, so you can’t prepare for that by finding some perfectly “right” thing today. You just have to trust that if that point ever comes, you’ll be equipped to maneuver in the best way. 

Once again, though, I’m not advising to seek perfection. There is “right” in the universal sense of right and wrong, but I’m referring to that which works for you. Right…for you. I’m advising you to be honest with yourself. We typically do really know when something is not for us. There’s just this sense of resistance with things that aren’t really in line with who we are — the sense of an uphill. It’s not always supposed to feel like that.

There’s a difference between something that requires effort — which everything does — or something that requires you to compromise on important parts of yourself. You can only do that for so long before accepting that it’s just not worth it. Because while everything takes effort, it feels like a lot more effort when it’s something whose nature goes against the integrity of your nature.

This doesn’t mean that whatever that thing is is wrong or bad, but it is a question of compatibility. It is okay to admit that some things are incompatible with us for reasons that we cannot exactly pinpoint. At the end of the day, you have an inner sense that tells you what to be going towards and what to be going away from.

I can tell you with 100% certainty that these things that are right for you will require a lot out of you, but when you finish the day, it doesn’t really feel like much at all. This is the difference between something that is right for you and something that is not. With that which is not right, no amount of effort feels enough. But with something that is right for you, no amount of effort feels too much.

It’s happy effort, you could say. It’s the sort of effort that feels like you are investing in yourself because this thing is just sort of an extension of you. That’s how it feels, at least. 

When something in your life gives you that feeling of “Oh, there I am,” you just feel like you’re flying. You get into this sort of flow state where everything feels easy. Even though, to another person, whatever you’re doing could qualify as a lot of effort, but it won’t feel that way. Something in you just lights up, and it just feels so…right. It’s energizing. 

I’d say this is one of the most beautiful feelings we can find in life. It’s the feeling when you’re living in a city that lets you live the kind of life you want to live. It’s the feeling when you’re spending time with people who make every day feel like home. It’s the feeling like being with a person who understands the next joke you’re about to say before you even get it out, and you guys start laughing about it halfway through.

While we can never control the timing of these things, I do say that it is a wait that is well worth it. You don’t have to wait forever, but I’d recommend carefully selecting the things that you commit to in this lifetime. That doesn’t mean to be timid in your approach, and therefore slow to act. No. Rather, it means to be quick to act and explore, and just as quick to let go. As soon as you figure out that something is not for you, especially earlier on, move on.

Don’t waste time questioning yourself. Your body knows. Your body knows. It reacts to everything and informs us quicker than our thinking mind ever could. Further, the energy that it takes out of you trying to turn the wrong thing into the right thing will never be worth it in its payoff. Yet, contrastingly, all the energy you invest into the thing that is right for you will always deserve even more. Wait for it. You will know it when you meet it. 

At the first point of contact, you will feel an aliveness that is distinct. Whenever you meet something that is truly right for you, truly aligned, it’s never a moment of confusion — unless you make it so by questioning yourself. Our bodies have this internal compass that always points us in the right direction and away from the wrong one — you just have to listen to it.

And if you do listen to it…one day, years down the line, you’ll thank yourself so much for it. I understand that it takes a certain conviction to hold out for something that life hasn’t yet proven is actually there for you. But, if you’re able to just live life without putting so much pressure on yourself to rush towards the finish line, you will meet the things that are the most right for you at the best possible time.

That feeling of “There I am,” is never something that you can manufacture. It is the most natural thing ever. It cannot be forced, carefully selected, or strategized. You just meet it and you see yourself in it. That aliveness is what makes life worth living.