By Dina Aldabbagh

I met a woman and we began chatting. She told me how she was on this diet and how she had lost 30 lbs. I asked her, “How long have you been on the diet?” “Ha – my whole life,” she said. And then described how she’s been on this “actual,” committed diet for 8 months. 

The one thing I said to her after her joke was, “You’re so real” — because she is, isn’t she? Food, body, routine — it becomes this sort of obsession. An addiction, if you will. So many people are thinking about it all the time. Their minds are constantly considering how they look in their shirt, if they look bloated, how that outfit will fit them on Saturday, how much of the plate they will eat, if they will eat dessert later, the choice to skip the sauce or not, or how fast they can lose weight. 

There’s never any relief. The mind is constantly thinking about their bodies and eating habits. That’s too much. As human beings, we were never meant to think about it all the time. But what do you do for it? This isn’t the time of hunters and gatherers where no one even considered how they aesthetically looked. We do live in a world where beauty is very much connected to physique — so how can you avoid the world we live in?

You don’t. You’ve been brought up in this world like anyone else, so for better or for worse, it’s on your mind, too. You have to deal with it. Some people take the approach of “I don’t care how I look! I’m going to just eat what I want!” That can absolutely work. However…unfortuantely I think this act of rebellion isn’t always truthful. They’re often still constantly thinking about how they look and surveilling the way they eat. 

Or, you could become obsessed, rigid, ultra-disciplined. You can weigh and count the macros of every single meal for the rest of your life. You can choose to never eat out. You can avoid all alcohol and desserts. You can have the body you want, just at the cost of a normal life. This isn’t really a solution either, in my opinion. 

Of course, it’s important to note that I am one person. May everyone find what works for them. With that in mind, though, when I consider how human beings work, I don’t think either route of extreme hedonism nor extreme discipline is the solution. Because what’s the result? A person who is still obsessed with how they look and how they eat. 

Both are forms of obsession.

In both cases — the hedonist and soldier — the way this person eats must become an identity for them. They must completely own that they either do whatever they want, whenever they want, or that they are so deeply disciplined that the only dessert they’ve had in the last 5 months of their cut was a home-made protein “donut” with 70 g per serving! Oh, and it tasted horrible! But thankfully they forgot what sugar tastes like. That is…until their next bulk, where the pendulum will swing the opposite way and the cycle of extremism will continue.

None of this is the way. I don’t believe anyone will sustain a happy and healthy life with the approach of either complete looseness or complete rigidity. At some point or another, the body will rebel. It will ask for balance, and it will do so by force. Some people binge thousands of calories in one sitting while others go on to consistently starve themselves — because they ignore the need for balance. 

What is “healthy”? To me, it’s freedom. And I don’t mean hedonistic freedom, but rather true freedom — the kind that allows a person to go throughout the day without the mental fixation on their bodies or the way they’re eating. 

To clarify, a lack of a mental fixation doesn’t mean a lack of awareness. I think it just means a lightness. A light awareness. A light noticing. A light deciding. A light acceptance. A light goal. 

In order to live a peaceful life, I think you just have to find your intersection — the place in which you are okay with how things are. The balance of discipline and looseness. Because if you’re too loose, and thus, constantly thinking about how your body doesn’t look like what you want it to or feeling uncomfortable in your skin — that’s not a win. Or contrastingly, if you’re too strict, and thus constantly yearning for the sweet treat or fast-food burger, and even having binging episodes because you just can’t take it anymore — that’s also not a win. 

Both scenarios drive you to constantly think about your body and food. This isn’t a win. This isn’t a life. At least, not the one you deserve. 

Wouldn’t you consider it better if you had a little sweet treat in moderation, daily — a piece of chocolate, a pastry, a candy, some ice cream — than if you went two weeks without any dessert and then on the 15th day, you ate 1000 calories of dessert in one sitting? Thus, making your stomach uncomfortable from being too full. Thus, making you feel like you “can’t” ever eat dessert because you can’t “trust” yourself around it. 

Of course, you have to find what’s important for you. Maybe it’s not the “sweet treat,” maybe it’s the drink, carbs, or sauces. The point is that if you want to stop incessantly monitoring yourself and the way you eat, and instead just be a human being — who eats dessert when they want it, who eats when they’re hungry, who stops when they’re satisfied, who feels good in their clothes — then you must find your structure of being.

We are not meant to be thinking about ourselves all the time, nor about what every single choice we make around food will be. That is torment, and it will only worsen the way you relate to your body and food. Whatever your structure of life is, it has to be to the end of making you think less about your body and food.

That’s it. Full stop. Whether that means weighing 150 lbs or 170 lbs. Whether that means having a chocolate after dinner or a bowl of fruit. Whether that means eating home-cooked meals 5 days out of the week or being more selective with your meals out. Whatever the habits and outcomes are, you will only be “healthy” when you stop constantly thinking about it.

You may think you’re looking for a certain number on the scale — and sure, maybe for a season of life, you are — but ultimately that’s not what you want. That’s not really it. Nor are you searching for the way of eating that is the final diet you will die with. What you really want is to feel good enough in your body — good enough that you don’t feel responsible to constantly survey it. 

What you want is to feel enough peace in your body that you can just wear the clothes, not think about how you’re wearing them. What you want is to just eat based on how the moment is asking you to. You just want to feel normal. 

Normal is what happens when you’re not constantly thinking about how you’re living, you’re just living. It is to live without the background noise. This is peace, and this is what’s actually sustainable.