By Dina Aldabbagh

There is a trait that I’ve noticed in all the people who are living a good life: these people have a low tolerance for what’s not right for them. As such, they know how to stay at a high baseline of life. 

Their general level at which they play the game of life is higher because they don’t take as long before course correcting when they start going to one side a bit too much. It’s not that the boat never sways, but that the sails are always tightened rather quickly — preserving their direction.

We’re human beings, therefore there is never any “perfect” standstill point we stay at. But that’s not what maintenance is. It’s not getting to that perfect point and never moving your feet again — that’s impossible. Rather, maintenance is the level you spend the most time at. The people who are the best at the game of life — thus, shaping their life always in the general direction of what they want — are the people who don’t wait long before a course correction.

Think of two people with very different bodies. One is lean and one is 30 lbs overweight. There is no innate difference in how both these people are at their core that lends itself to someone being lean and the other being overweight. Think about any lean person you’ve known for your entire life. They eat fast food, desserts, whatever they want, and they seemingly never think so hard about how they’re eating. The lean person still overeats. They still eat all the things they’re “not supposed to,” yet…they’re indefinitely lean. How? Why? They’re tuned into themselves. 

The difference is that when the lean person overeats at a meal, they notice sooner. That’s it. Not that they never reach the edge of comfortability, but that when they start feeling that uncomfortable feeling in their stomach, they quickly stop eating. A little twinge is enough to get this person to stop eating…because their tolerance for discomfort in their body is low. 

The lean person’s baseline is feeling good in their body — and I don’t just mean “confident,” but actually, comfortable. A stomach that is not extended. Normal digestion sensations. Feeling generally light. Because of this, those moments of discomfort — where they’ve eaten too much, had too much salt, too much spice, ate too fast, whatever it is — become so glaringly obvious. They can’t help but notice it and they feel a very hard stop in their body. It’s like to say, “Don’t keep going down this route.” 

That’s why they’re lean. The swings are less extreme. Not that swings don’t exist, but they are caught sooner, and brought back to baseline sooner, with less “consequences.” Think of the person who is overweight. More than likely, their day to day actually looks quite similar to that of the lean person. Genuinely, it does. So, why do they fluctuate with weight so much more? Because the swings are more extreme.

It’s a totally technical mechanism here. Yes, maybe there are other factors loosely at play like metabolism or general daily movement, but you see so many people who are overweight and actually live a similar lifestyle to that of someone who is 30 lbs less than them. Because there’s this other aspect at play: their swings.

20 days out of the month could be spent at that comfortable, moderate baseline way of eating, but if those other 10 days are spent with binge meals or extremes that add on something like 700-1,000 calories above the norm at one sitting…then what’s the real baseline? Where does that average actually fall? 

Remember, it’s not that the lean person does not overeat, eat desserts, or do all of the same habits on the surface — it’s that the extent in which they do it is less. That is it. Thus, they have a different average.

While this phenomenon very cleanly applies to eating habits, it extends much further as well. A low tolerance for what is wrong is probably one of the most necessary traits of a person who has a high baseline in any area of life. The people who get everything they want out of life — or, at least, inhabit a life with the general shape of that which they want — are not the people who make all the perfect decisions right away. Rather, they are the ones who quickly redirect.

These people do go down roads in life where they’re like, “Oh yea, this isn’t for me.” They just don’t stay there as long. Instead of staying on a path that they already can feel is wrong for them, they change. Just as quickly as they began pursuing something is as quick as they recalibrate the GPS. As soon as they figure out it’s not “it,” they make a change.

This doesn’t mean these people are necessarily impulsive or don’t commit. It just means that they are more sensitive. At the end of the day, it’s a sensitivity issue. Same with the eating example from earlier. The lean person just notices quicker that they are uncomfortable, so they can more quickly make a change.

This skill is actually so powerful because the more sensitive someone is, the more they can make minor adjustments — protecting the whole. They can sense the places that need a tweak. Sure, sometimes the whole project needs to be scrapped and you need to start from Step 1. But oftentimes, the general shape of something is okay; it just has these smaller, yet very influential, pieces that need reorganizing. The people with this trait are able to spot these moments and salvage the greater thing at play by just adjusting the areas that need it. They can actually be more committed in this way.

The problem with someone who has a very high tolerance to that which is not right is that they spend so much time going down that road without a change, until eventually, sometimes it’s just too late to salvage the whole thing. In a relationship, they may have such a high tolerance for unhealthy and unsustainable dynamics that by the time they finally feel a need to adjust something, the relationship is already too far gone. The trust has been destroyed, the warmth eroded. Now, there’s really nothing to be saved, because it’s gone too far down the road of an unhealthy relationship. 

Contrastingly, though, the person with the low tolerance for that which isn’t right for them not only knows when the little things need to be redirected, but also they know when to give up on something. Giving up isn’t a bad thing in itself — it’s contextual. And it’s a strength to know when something isn’t worth it.

When you can let go of something that isn’t right for you before it has sucked all your energy, mentally and emotionally altered you, and taken all your time, then you actually have time for another potential route. You haven’t wasted it. You’ve caught early on enough that “this isn’t a road I want to keep going down.” 

There are both logistical and psychological effects to sticking with something that is wrong for you. Logistically, you actually do just waste your time, while simultaneously not allowing yourself to invest in something that is more aligned. If you’re going to end up throwing it out anyways, it’s wise to know when is the opportune moment. 

Further, these things do a number on us. No human being is so strong that you can stay on a road that is constantly shaping your perspective, attitude, and emotional baseline without being affected. If you are giving it your attention and energy, you will be its effect. 

Be almost brutal in what you decide to give yourself to. Of course, this requires a developed sensitivity for that which is not right, but once you have that sense, trust it. As soon as you know something isn’t it, move on. Don’t stay past the expiration point. Don’t waste your time, and don’t let something form you if it’s not aligned with you. 

When you feel it, believe it. Your body can’t fake it. Your mind may be able to convince you of the “smart” thing, but your body knows what is actual intelligence. Ultimately, our minds want to keep us safe. But if you’re going down a road that already feels wrong, it won’t suddenly feel completely right. 

That sensitivity isn’t loud, until you start listening to it enough. Once you’ve trusted that gut signal enough times, you will no longer be able to tolerate something that doesn’t feel right. You just won’t. Whether that be a job, a team, a coworker, a friendship, a romantic relationship, a city, or a home — you will feel the need to redirect. The more you believe that inner sensitivity, the sharper your gauge gets. Then you, too, can live a life that is the shape of what you want.